Maybe someone has this blog booby trapped to set off a silent alarm if I set foot in here again. interesting as it all is. Let's test shall we? I'm over tired and wired so this might help. Today was truly a day of wonder. I was honoured to be asked to attend the birth of our best friend's third baby as a carer for their other two children. I'm sure all births are incredible in their own way but this homebirth was so... normal it was exhilerating. It cemented the realisation for me that this was how it was meant to be, and that the idea of welcoming a new person into the world in a strange smelling room in a hospital with the family separated and strangers all around telling a woman what to do is just WEIRD. I knew through Lou's somewhat passionate attachment to the cause of homebirth and my consequent research that it certainly seemed to provide some tangible benefit for SOME women, particularly those that felt stressed out and let down by the lack of respect and consideration they received in the hospital system. but this was something else. Sitting with the kids and hearing their mother's final birthsong and little brothers first cry, and having them walk in to see mum and baby still connected floating happily in THEIR bath, minutes, if not seconds after it happened. That has got to have a different effect on them than being told to accept a small bundle that is seemingly produced from the depths of a large medical institution.
I had a brilliant birth with Lorien. I had a short labour, endorphins were flowing, and I felt like I could run to the top of a mountain and then do it all again when it was over. I was focused, I had my husband and my Mum looking after me, and I wasn't afraid to tell anyone to step off if I didn't agree. But there lies the tension. I was in an environment which was 'theirs', visiting like a dinner guest. Somewhere that if you had any opinion at all it would to some degree cause conflict with the 'owners', which would require some degree of resolution, something which detracted from the real job at hand. Never sure where their boundaries would be, knowing that they were ready to step in with their suggestions to guide you back onto the path they thought you should be on in the first place. I don't resent them, I loved my obstetrician, even though he's apparently known as one of the most controlling inflexible practitioners in the area. I didn't find him that way, but I was conscious that he was watching, waiting to pull out his bag of tricks, none of which were without their own risks, risks I was meant to accept readily and without question because he had faith in his own ability to control the elements. Which is fair enough, but it was more the EXPECTATION that a natural physical process would more likely than not require it. Like the 'just in case' has taken over the entire process. At what point does the level of risk have a right to completely dictate all thought and action? Some might see it as precautionary, like wearing a helmet while riding a bike, but in this case the helmet seems way bigger than the bike, like it's covering the riders eyes and saying trust me, I've supervised hundreds of these things so it's safer this way. You feel unbalanced and blind? Don't trust that, it's your first (second third) time on a bike. Hey, you're riding a bike aren't you? You're lucky I don't just drag you off and deliver you to your final destination, actually that's my preference, the ride really just gets in the way. I don't know exactly how I feel about all of that, I just know that today it simply wasn't there at all. None of it.
